I wish I only lived at night.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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