Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
