So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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