I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
