Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
