my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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