this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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