sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
