I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
