i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
