I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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