Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
