the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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