1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
