I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
