After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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