She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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