Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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