Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
