This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
