On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
