cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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