pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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