Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
someone owes me an orgasm
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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