We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
