Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
