he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
