i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
