there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
