you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
