i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
