so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.