I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
