you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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