You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
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Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i've created a new STD.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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