No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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