remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
