New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
