george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
