I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
