did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
