does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
