Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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