The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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