i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
