U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
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What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless