I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
