I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
