Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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