Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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