Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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