ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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