Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
