dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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