it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
