Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize