I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so let's talk penis.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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