i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
